Sunday, November 07, 2010


I’ve sat for an hour trying to write a poem. And it goes without saying – for it’s been already been said – that it just hasn’t come. Oh, I had one, ready to fly off my pen when I put it to paper – on week ago. Now I’ve got flickers of what it was, random words that were the structure of what it was supposed to be, but no poem. In one week, where did my poem go? In one week, how did so much change? Not in just one week only – in a day, an hour, a blink of an eye – when the change happened, even I do not know. How is it possible? Words want to put this experience in record, a memorial of some sort, but the experience itself defies expression.

I sit here alone. Surrounded by crowds, all going this way and that, on their business, and all I can think is of that over clichéd saying about the world and that one person. That one person who becomes your entire world. It is very scary. It’s the scariest feeling in the world – because you know once you let it happen, the second you lose them – that’s it. It. Poof. Bam. Ow.

Just thinking about it, it gives me shivers. Butterflies. Cold hands. I’m scared. I admit it. For all my bluster and bravado about love being nonsense, and marriage a sham, I confess ( I confess!) it’s only that – a sham of its own. Bluster and bravado. My shield of some sort. I don’t know. I guess you tend to want to, try to, need to, protect the very thing most close to heart. In my case, it’s exactly that – my heart.

I am scared. Because I know that if I let myself go, I will keep falling. I know, I know, I need to learn to bungee jump. And there I go again, my humour; what’s with that, right? Is it another self-constructed defence? I suppose, but then again, I do believe you’ve got to laugh at yourself first. It’s what I do. When I slip on ice and land on my glutes in public, yeah, I laugh! So do I take a page from my own book, and learn something? Fall, laugh? Fall, laugh!

No, I’m still scared. Maybe more than ever.

Tell me, does this love at first sight thing really happen? I believe in it. But believing in something, and it occurring to you, they’re really different things. When it happens if?) you go, “Wow.”, you go, “Whoa.”, you might go, “Watda?!” Well, I believe in it, but what I want to know is, how do you KNOW? Seriously, not fooling yourself into believing it’s what you wish it would be- how do you know? That’s the scary part.

Now, you’re going to want to know why I believe in such a thing, right. I may as well believe in Santa Clause, right? (Well, for your information, I do. Ha!). Ok. Love at first sight. Not infatuation, not lust, not eye candy. Love at first sight. Why? Because I do. Why do I do? Because, simply, I believe in soulmates. I do! I’ve wrote about this before. I believe someone has got that missing part of you out there, the muniute you meet, you feel something. Like a piece that’s clicked back in place. And you sort of don’t know why. It’s just one of those things that are beyond reason. You might know why. You might know sooner or later. But the feeling itself, damn, beyond explanation. The hard part is knowing for sure. Because you’re going to have been wrong that many times before.

I guess I've just got to find out.                   

Wednesday, November 03, 2010


Hello World! :D

(suhaniiiiiiiiiiiiii suhaniiiiiiiiiiiiiii suhaniiiiiiii :P)

I had planned to blog on the first of the month, welcome special little November in with open arms with my usual spiel. Got busy, and sidetracked, if you could call it that (as blogging is usually my way off the path, right).

Well, it's the third. Not too late, can't be too late to let one cherish something special na.

If I could have my way, I would be putting big smile smileys on the end of every line. Well, I do have my way, but I choose not to because I prefer writing as writing ought to be. Ah well!

Anyways, since the start of November, well the world has simply been more ways than could possibly be described. Lack of sleep (kyun aajkal neend kam aur khwaab zyaada hai?) and food and all that stuff that gets put to the side in the face of more important things..regardless, the world remains just so beautiful!!

When it hits you, when the sun shines all that much brighter after a long time of gray skies, well you feel its just so much WORTH it, somehow, to have suffered, to know the blessed feeling of ..the sunshine.

The worst part is enjoying it, letting yourself really enjoy it, and then have it taken away .. I guess that's the fear that keeps us appreciating what we have today, and what keeps us holding back entirely..but why waste the time worrying about it, when you've got precious moments to cherish it and smile for today.

That said, I have got to get back on that so called welltread path and get some more work done! BOOHOO but its almost at the end.. so will have some relief to look forward to.. ahh sleep and, yes yes, food :P

Everything looks so beautiful today ..more so, because of all the yesterdays we thought were not. :D

Nowww let the musiicc playy on :D
suhaniiiiiiiiiii suhaniiiiiiiiiiii
suhaniiiiiiiiiiiiiiii suhaniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii suhaniiiiiiiii

the song that's been on my mind this past three days hehehe :
Mausam suhana duniya bhi kitni suhaani
Kitne haseen yeh pal, dheere dheere chal..zindagaani :D
Manzil hai saathi mujhko sunaati kahaani
Ab na kabhi tu badal dheere dheere chal zindagani :)

Hai nayi aarzoo..raah guzar rubaru
Armaan jaage hai.. haule haule kahein
Yeh bahaar chalen, yunhi pyaar chalen
Dil ki maujon mein dekho nayi hai rawani
Kitne haseen yeh pal dheere dheere chal zindagaani

Mausam suhana duniya bhi kitni suhaani
Kitne haseen yeh pal dheere dheere chal zindagaani

Ek nasha chha gaya..tera naam aa gaya ..
Hothon pe mere puchha jo hawa ne,
Mere yaar bata.. tere dil ka pata
Jahaan base dil wohi hai duniya basani
Kitne haseen yeh pal dheere dheere chal zindagaani

Mausam suhana.. duniya bhi kitni suhaani
Kitne haseen yeh pal dheere dheere chal zindagaani




Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Villain I Am.

I am so incredibly happy! I can't explain the feeling, the revelation behind being understood truly! This is by far the most accurate quiz on what type of villain I am, and the feeling it brings to me is such that I just have to share this joy.


You're the DARK AVENGER!
The Dark Avenger is emotionally dead, at least that's what she thinks. She used to be a normal, happy person, but then something tragical happened and she lost it. Now she seeks justice and hunts down those who wronged her, and doesn't let anything or anyone get in between her and her revenge. The thing is that even if the Dark Avenger got her revenge, she would probably still go on killing and destroying rampantly, because the tragedy that changed her life changed her soul for good. She avenges her tragedy over and over again to anyone, or anything. She tries to fill the empty gap in her heart with the blood she spills, knowing that it will never be enough.

Strengths: The Dark Avenger may be also physically strong and blessed with special powers, but her greatest assert is still her determination. She's ready to go as far it takes to get what she wants.

Weaknesses: Traumas and surpressed memories of the past. Reminding her of the pain that turned her into what she is, or the happiness she felt before it happened may distract her.

Famous Dark Avengers: O-Ren Ishii from Kill Bill, Carrie from Carrie, the ghost from the Grudge.

If you ever became a fictional villain, you'd be the Dark Avenger because you feel very angry inside,thinking that the world has hurt you badly, and sometimes you wish you could hurt the world back twice as bad just to let everyone know how you feel. To avoid this, just keep in mind that revenge is never the answer, because hurting others doesn't help you heal yourself, nor will it change the past. If you feel empty inside, filling yourself with hate will only make things first.

I'm not this evil, but if I were to be, this is pretty apt. :D

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Naina lagiyan baarishan
Te sukke sukke sapne vi pijj gaye
Naina lagiyan baarishan
Rove palkan de kone vich neend meri
Naina lagiyan baarishan
Hanju digde ne chot lage dil te
Naina lagiyan baarishan
Rut birha de badlan di chhaa gayi

These lines are just amazing. Everytime I make myself not hear the song -- despite it being overplayed, as usual -- and I come back to it, the lyrics just take my breath away again.

It's just so amazing to come to terms with the fact that everything we experience is already been experienced that many times over. We feel that living it, feeling it, loving, hurting, pain, all of those things we meet with face on is some part of what makes us unique, what makes us distinct. We have to come to realize that we are not. We aren't. We don't want to be just anyone, another number. But what makes us different.

What makes our pain anything more special?

I found that we might prefer to hold on to our pain because it stimulates a purpose within. To attempt to even eradicate this pain may be akin to losing ourself, our sense of identity. I don't know what it is, but even continuance with that pain lessens the pain itself. It's so hard to let go of it, but it somehow cures it of itself. For, that pain that has been felt changes the pain itself, it changes the love itself, and beckons the question whether if that love has changed, can it then persevere? How can you reconcile this love that has been blurred back to the distinct image you once had. I don't know. I don't have the answers. If I did, I guess I wouldn't have asked them.


I just know that I ask myself why I pass this time in this occupation when there is much of the world I could dedicate this energy to.

It doesn't have to end in love really, does it? I mean, just because I don't get a happy ending does not mean that I can't make one for the world, for others, right?

Sometimes, you just have to bear the pain; when it hurts the most -- like cutting off a part of yourself that has become diseased -- you just have to grit your teeth together, hold your head high, face to the sky, breath in the oxygen, and it would almost look as if you were smiling.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

For You ~

You Have To Stay Strong
Have you ever felt like all hope is lost?
Being so desperate,
No matter the cost?

Then listen now,
To what I have to say,
It'll give you hope,
And might change your life today.

Look back and remember,
All the good memories forever.
Think about the people you care,
And the happy moments that you've shared.

You have to stay strong,
And give life another chance,
Know that your needed,
It could be your only defence.

Always remember that,
When things go wrong,
It's not the end of the world,
You have to stay strong.

haha :D I know I sound a bit hypo, but what can I say? It usually takes me a down to find a way back up - and it isn't just the being up again that is important, it's what I've learnt on the journey (yes, I know you know this as well but I just have to say it, for it to be said :)). It's a shaky stage, and when you're finding a way back into the light, you almost feel the layers shedding, you feel the change -- inside and out. It hurts too, can't deny that. It hurts because you have to let go of those layers that have kept you safe for so long. But it's time to become reafreshened. I know that isn't a word, but it suits na. :D I can't even point out what it was that made me feel this way this morning. In fact, I am not even sure I will go back into my blanket of fallen layers in search of missing parts that don't feel so good without. Can't guarantee anything na :D But I can guarantee that here I am for you, despite however alone you feel now and then. Can't be there for every minute you know, but then again, that's what makes being there for you through it all all the more important, nay- special.

Sometimes, you've been protected from so much in life. And funniest thing you learn is that those who have been worried for you the most, those who seemed to care the most, who wanted you to be safe from being hurt the most, they're the ones who pull the tableclothe away and make it all break- inside. And hey, what else could hurt the most than that, right? Maybe that's why it does hurt. Because they had such a special place, and they let that go, apparently without a care.

In any case, all we can do is let them go too. In the end we all join the light alone na? Without anyone else's help too. Can you imagine that. WHOA :D haha

So stay strong my friend, I will for you, and you will for me. Because in the end, it's us. No matter what. :)

This is the song that's making me feel like just staying face up in the hawa and sunshine that's shining down on me like a song by itself. :D

Bulla kahe tuu kucch bhi nahin
Main bhi kahoon main kucch bhi nahin
Naa des mera;Naa mitti meri
Main hoon banjaara
Meri hi zameen pe
Main kaun hoon... Main kaun hoon
Kyon apne jahaan me
Main hoon ajnabee

Naa jaane kyon aisa ho gaya
Begaani hui apni jagah
Naa jaane kyon apni hi taraf

Utttee hain sabhi ki ungliyaan
Ab toh yakeen khud pe bhi nahin
Anjaana hain har lamhaa yahaan
Nazre churaaye aankhein jhukaaye
Kab tak jeeye hum is tarah
Kaisi khata thi jo yeh sazaa di
Humko kahin ka naa rakhaa

Jannat thi apni sarzamee
Sufi humko kehte sabhi
Ab toh koi mujrim koi aatanki keh rahaa
Main kaun hoon... Main kaun hoon

Kyon apne jahaan me
Main hoon ajnabee

Chehre to sabke hain haseen
Par dil main hain bas aag hi
Bujhti nahiin jo jal rahi
Jo pooche baarhaan

Main kaun hoon... Main kaun hoon
Kyon apne jahaan me
Main hoon ajnabee



Tuesday, October 12, 2010


So I did this personality analysis thing at this Japanese Happy Science (buddhist) booth awhile ago. You answer one question, your choice leads you to another question, which leads to another depending on your answer, etc. The first question was which animal appeals to me most, and my answer was a white magical flying horse. So, eventually you get a final output on your personality type.

This is me.

6.Artistic and big-hearted guardian spirit with a great sense of harmony. Your guardian spirit loves arts, music, and nature equally. Those guided by this type of spirit have an evolved aestethic sense and exhibit their individuality in their home and fashion. This spirit craves freedom and will not be tired down in organizations. You emphasize harmony and do not like fighting. You are aloof and easygoing and others may misunderstand you to be a strange person. The inspirational word form your guardian spirit is "courage". Vienna is an ideal desitnation if travel is in your plans.

Tere bagair tadpa karein
Tere bagair sapne rootha karein
Maana ke hai duniya haseen
Tere bagair duniya hum kya karein
Dilkash dildaar duniya, tera dedaar duniya
Hum jo na paaye tujhko, toh hai bekaar duniya
Dilkash dildaar duniya, tera dedaar duniya
Hum jo na paaye tujhko, toh hai bekaar duniya

Tere bagair beraunaki
Tere bagair khushiyan, hum kya karein
Mausam sabhi hain dard ke
Tere bagair aur yeh tanha karein
Dilkash dildaar duniya, tera dedaar duniya
Hum jo na paaye tujhko, toh hai bekaar duniya
Dilkash dildaar duniya, tera dedaar duniya
Hum jo na paaye tujhko, toh hai bekaar duniya

Dhoop pheeki lagey, din udaasi bhara
Shaam roothi lagey, haal yeh ho gaya
Jaagte hum rahein, karwaton se kahein
Khwaab hi woh koi dhoond laaye naya

Neendein meri bhaagi hui
Tere bagair raatein ab kya karein
O bekhabar, o bekadar
Tere bagair har pal bikhra karein
Dilkash dildaar duniya, tera dedaar duniya
Hum jo na paaye tujhko, toh hai bekaar duniya
Dilkash dildaar duniya, tera dedaar duniya
Hum jo na paaye tujhko, toh hai bekaar duniya


Saturday, October 09, 2010

Thought of the Day

Caring is for all times in all situations. Not just for when you "feel like it". If you care, it's going to show no matter what .

Thursday, October 07, 2010



After such a long long time, I've been infected with the sunshine bug! It feels so great, I honestly can't describe this feeling. Despite everything else that may be pulling me down and around and around, there it is, me living through it all :D

I miss those good old days, everyone used to call me Sunshine ehehe just hearing it being called from far and around the corner and everything, it was like my new name, it replaced my name. Just got a dose of flashback - I miss it, but like someone who was one of the best friends I had, for however short that time - it's up to me to live it, now! A whole bunch of songs from Aashayein are playing and all of a sudden, it's like a butterfly flying around me and then finally landing and its like CLICK its back home where it belongs.

For however short this feeling lasts, at least I'll have it down for record.


Let the Sunshine In! :D

Ab hai ujaala, ab hai savera
Ab inn hawaon, pe kar loon basera
Ab main zamaane ko humraaz kar loon
Ab aasmaano pe parwaaz kar loon
Iss pal mein, hai mujh ko jeena
Ab mujhko jeena

Nakaamiyon se darna kya
Jeene se pehle marna kya
Jhoom kar mera dil ab yeh mujh se kahe
Zindagi hai to zinda dili bhi rahe
Ab iraadon ko hai thaan lena
Ab to khwaabon pe hai jaan dena
Iss pal mein, hai mujh ko jeena
Ab mujhko jeena

Anjaana kal na maanoon main
Yeh pal hai apna jaanoon main
Yahan chaaron taraf pyaar ke silsile
Dekho veeraniyon mein bhi dil hain mile
Apni manzil ki mujh ko khabar hai
Ab to himmat meri humsafar hai
Iss pal mein, hai mujh ko jeena
Ab mujhko jeena


Wednesday, October 06, 2010


It's cold!

"It's not that I'm afraid anymore - I'm not. It's just that I'm skeptical. I'm skeptical that things are going to be normal again. I doubt that we'll ever be the same - and I guess I am afraid I'll miss who we were."

Every betrayal begins with trust.

I figured out that betrayal doesn't just mean an act of deceit in some form. Betrayal is not just turning around and stabbing someone in the back. Sometimes even trust itself is continously there, when betrayal occurs. Betrayal in the mind. Betrayal in the heart. Just a thought. I mean, I'm here, you're there. We have this deep ingrained sense of understanding each other, of believing we know the other person for what they are, and yet, as the day gets longer, sometimes it is the lack of any act at all that taints the very same trust. You question it, because in having that deep sense of trust, you realize that you take it for granted; that's what the trust is. But when you realize this, you wonder if taking it for granted is actually eroding that trust, because when you keep assuming it is there, you sometimes wish to corroborate that; and sometimes that person isn't there to do so. Or simply doesn't. And that lack of effort on their part makes you question it further -- don't they care? Perhaps it's a reverse psychological reaction, but it's still a stain on the pure white; you can grow from it but it was in some form of conveyance, a level of some betrayal. Who knows. I certainly don't.

Song for today :D

O bekhabar, o bekadar, betaabiyon ko na badah
Dekh le hai pyaar ka kaisa nasha mujhpe chadha
O bekhabar, o bekadar, betaabiyon ko na badah
Dekh le hai pyaar ka kaisa nasha mujhpe chadha
Kaisa nasha mujhpe chadha ..

O bekhabar, o bekadar, betaabiyon, bechainiyan hai jawan
Meri nazar dhoonde tujhe tu kahan
Haan tujhko main aankhon ka kaajal bana loon
O bekhabar, o bekadar, betaabiyon, bechainiyan hai jawan
Chaahungi main yuhin tujhe bepanha
Haan tujhko khushi sa labho pe saja loon
O bekhabar, o bekadar, betaabiyon ko na badah
Dekh le hai pyaar ka kaisa nasha mujhpe chadha
Kaisa nasha mujhpe chadha ..

Roop hoon teri dhoop hoon
Tu suraj hai mann ka mere
Ya ghani main hoon roshni
Ab chalte hoon dhalte hoon tujhko hi
Haan mere ik pehar, tu kahe thehar
Toh jaaon nagar se tere
Har ghadi mushkilon bari
Kyun lagti hai jo bhi badalti hai bin tere
Tu mile toh silsile, ho shuru jo hai khuda ki raza
Tere bina hai zindagi bemaza
Tu mil jaaye toh main jahan se chhupa loon
O bekhabar, o bekadar, betaabiyon, bechainiyan hai jawan
Meri nazar dhoonde tujhe tu kahan
Haan tujhko main aankhon ka kaajal bana loon
O bekhabar, o bekadar, betaabiyon ko na badah
Dekh le hai pyaar ka kaisa nasha mujhpe chadha

Dreams Do Not Die

Khwaab marte nahin
Khwaab dil hain na aankhein na saansein ke jo
Rezaa-rezaa hue to bikhar jayenge
Jism ki maut se yeh bhi mar jayenge

Khwaab marte nahin
Khwaab to roshni hain, navaa hain, hawa hain
Jo kaale paharon se rukte nahin
Zulm ke dozakhon se bhi pukhte nahin
Roshni aur navaa aur hawa ka alam
Maqtalon mein pohanch kar bhi jhukte nahin

Khwaab to harf hain
Khwaab to noor hain
Khwaab to suqraat hain
Khwaab mansoor hain


Friday, October 01, 2010



Hello October!

Can't really believe that September has gone so fast. I feel like it's gone in a blink of an eye, not really being able to recall what happened; and yet, so much has happened, so much has changed. Isn't that what September usually denotes? Change. The decline in temperature, the colours emerging on leaves, the fall of them at the whisper of wind, the start of new things. And, yes, so much, in fact, quite alot, has changed, both outside, and somehow within. Some things, granted will always be there, irremovable, because it's that much a part of yourself. But then again, life itself is dynamic, and succumbs to change.

Why is change one of those recurring themes? Because it's so constant? It's one of those things you can continuously expound on. It hurts in many cases, but you've still got to accept it. Embrace it.

I had a beautiful day. That's saying something for the first of October. It's another of those firsts, that have you feeling like its a new slate, ready for that splash of color. First, it was what I call my Tum Se Hi weather, you know it: bright blue skies, wispy white clouds, and plenty of sunshine. Recipe to make your heart smile. Also perfect Sitting on the Bench writing weather. Yes! After months, I was back on my orange bench under the (still green) trees, with the warm sun beaming on my head, writing! Trust me when I say this, but that's one of the best feelings ever, and yeah, there are alot of them.

You want to know what's another? Missing someone so much you almost hate them, feel miserable, wake up feeling horrible, you miss them when they're right there! It's a killing feeling, but let me tell you, it makes you feel wonderful deep down inside to know that feeling. It's confusing, yes, but it makes you feel a little more ..alive.

Sometimes you just can't help but smile, no matter what you're feeling, because, well, you're feeling.

Today, haven't got a song, rather, a shair.

Mujhe yaad hai woh din
jab main bhaage bhaage tumhaare paas aati thi
tumhe bataane …ke suno, aaj aisa hua ke..

Aur tum.. hanskar
Mere ehsaasaat se bekhabar
Mujhse kehte
"phir kabhi bataana ...abhi zara masroof hoon"

mooh latkaaye chalee jaati thi
par intezaar rehta
tumhe bataane ka..
ke aaj aisa hua ke..

bewaqoof thi main
aur itni…yeh kabhi nahin socha
ke tumhe kya …agar aaj aisa hua ke…

aur jab ..
aaj aisa hua ke...
main tumhaaree taraf mudee
rokk liya maine apne aap ko
sambhal gayi hoon ab main…shaayad?

par phir bhi gham hai
ke aaj aisa hua ke….

:DViewed 4 times

Monday, September 27, 2010

Moral of the Story

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind was blowing angrily, the skies were tossing and turning, and the sun had long since escaped behind the horizon now hidden by the tumult of clouds fighting in the heavens. It was a dark and stormy night, and the little dove was struggling against the winds, trying to find her way home.

She didn't even notice when the winds had picked up, when the light had started dimming. She had been soaring up there on the thermals, higher than she had ever been before. Higher than she was actually allowed to go. How could a bird not strive to the highest of it's ability. To fly, to soar up there above the world, almost touching the heavens, to rise and rise above everything else pulling down. How could she not let go of it all, and fly. Fly, and feel the wind through her feathers, the warmth of the sunshine on her face. Just fly, and feel the freedom, the peace of being up there in the clouds, of being there of her own will and ability, without any expectations of what she had to do, of what she should do. There was no other glory as that of being up there alone. Alone.

Alone was something she was used to. Is used to. But it was something different to be alone on one's own choice, than be subjected to loneliness by those around her. And that stubborn rebellious side of her within always strived to make her own choices.

And now here she was, caught out in the middle of the worst storm she'd seen in her life. She couldn't blame anyone else but herself. This she knew. If there was any way out of this storm she had only herself to rely on.

Then a gust of wind slammed into her body, and she felt the ache in her muscles, from flying all day. She knew she had to keep up her will, because the minute she let her guard down, she would surely plummet, or be taken away with the wind to whatever end it met.

In the darkness, the rain suddenly belted down, whipping her, beak to tail. It stung her eyes, it pierced through her feathers, and the rain washed back out of her eyes. Blinking, she couldn't tell what was the rain, and what was her own tears. She couldn't keep it up. Her muscles sagged in exhaustion, and she closed her eyes as she decided to try to descend to whatever destination lay below.

As she felt the decline in altitude, she opened her eyes, and there in front of her was light!

Light, light, it was actually light. She said a prayer of thanks, as the relief surged through her body. She steadied herself with determination and flew towards it.

Somehow in the darkness, she alit on a windowsill, within which was a candle alit with a single flame. As it flickered in the darkness, the dove became entranced by the dance of its shadows and light. There wasn't anyone else but her and the flame.

The dove felt a strange feeling overcome her as she imagined how she would have had come out of that storm without this flame. She raised her wing and touched the glass separating her from the flame. The flame stopped flickering and stilled. The dove bowed her head down, and whispered a thank you to it, and it flickered once, then became still.

As the wind howled, and the storm continued, the dove could not make herself leave. Before she knew it, she had fallen asleep there with the flame before her.

In the days that followed, the dove would join her flock and fly with them, then leave them as twilight neared, soaring each night to the windowsill to meet the flame. Sometimes the flame would dance and make her laugh. Sometimes it just listened without blinking. Sometimes they just sat there companiably in silence, enjoying the stars and moon, listening to the music of the wind. Each night the dove would fall asleep on the windowsill and arise before dawn, heading back to her roost.

One night as the dove was soaring through the evening sky on her way to the windowsill as usual, she felt a curious feeling- of happiness, but of confusion, and she didn't know what it was. As she didn't know, she decided maybe the flame would know, he seemed to know everything, just from sitting there quietly.

As she landed on the windowsill, she smiled to herself, looking forward to the evening together. The flame flickered in welcome, and smiled back to her. Curiously, she asked "Are you alit all the time? How come?".

The flame grew still, and said, "As long as you are there to see me, I am."

The dove was touched, and she didn't know how to convey her feelings. Then, she noticed that the window was a bit open. She put her wing to it and it opened more. She walked through, and came closer to the candle than she had ever been. She paused, and whispered, "I hope you know that you mean a lot to me."

The flame grew stiller yet, she paused, and asked, "You do know that, right?". There was no response, and the dove's heart thudded. Maybe she had been mistaken all along. "Say something won't you?"

As the flame stayed still, the dove approached closer. Mesmerized as she always was by the intensity of the flame, she held her breath. Still yet, the flame kept silent. The dove felt a horrible feeling inside her, something she never had felt before, and did not know what it was; whatever it was, it did not feel good- was that pain?

A tear dropped from her eye and she brushed it away in her feathers. She turned to go, as the flame still remained still, then turned back once more. She raised her wing and reached to the flame. It flickered once, away from her, and she stopped for a moment, once again entranced by the magic his light had on her, then she made up her mind and caressed the flame with the tip of her wing.

The feathers caught aflame, and the dove pulled back quickly, burnt. The flame tilted low once, and before she knew what was happening, the flame went out.

The dove stayed there all night. Waiting, hoping, that it would somehow come back. When the darkness did not change, she sadly flew out the window.

Everyday, the dove would sit on the tree outside the window. And, everynight, there was no light. Days passed, weeks passed. She hardly ate, she hardly slept. The dove tried playing with other doves, she tried flying again, but nothing cured the hurt within.

Eventually, the dove had taken to living in the tree outside the window, but would leave it each morning to go out into the world, and come back late at night, tired from the long day.

One night, she returned home, and saw a light gleaming in the window. Her heartbeat froze for the smallest fraction of a second. Everything in her ached to go see beyond the curtains of the window, but she instead flew into the tree, and slept.

She continued to live so, returning each night with the light there, so near, but still so far. At first, the flame stayed low, and still, as if hiding from itself. Eventually, it grew brighter.

Until one evening, there was a tap on the windowpane, and there the dove was, looking at her friend, the flame. At first the flame remained quiet, as if not knowing what to say. Then the dove just smiled, and he smiled back.

Their friendship grew again, each night filled with that same companionship. The dove brought back stories of her day filled with adventures in the skies. Not once did they mention that night the dove's heart broke.

Then one day, the flame had to know. He thought about what they shared and decided they had to clear it out, or else the friendship would be still false. The more he thought about it all day, the sooner he wished the dove would come. Evening approached, and she did not come. Night approached, she did not come. He waited all the hours of the night, and still she did not come.

Morning dawned, and the flame was low on its wick. He missed the dove. He missed her terribly.

There was a flutter of wings on the windowsill, and there she came. She greeted him with a big smile and apologized. The flame decided things were just better without mentioning everything else, and listened to her story of the day before.

The dove went back to her tree that night, and noticed the flame flickering goodnight. She smiled to herself, a little bit sadly, then shook out her feathers, and tried to sleep.

The next night, the flame brought up the topic, "Tell me O dove why you come here each night?".

The dove smiled, "I told you this many moons ago, and I suffered, why shall I tell you again?"

"This time I promise I shall not burn you, come within, and tell me again."

"If you need to ask, then once is enough, once will always be enough. I won't be able to take it a second time."

"I promise, I will not burn."

"Then you do not understand. The pain I suffered was not that you burnt me, it was that I lost you.."                    

Thursday, September 23, 2010


I have had songs upon songs upon songs stuck in my head. Three, to be more accurate. When I woke up in the dark I had Neendaran (Gee, I wonder why?) going on and on, without stopping until I got my bus. Then, I fell in love again with this song (The Song), can't get it out of my head! Actually the whole album is something, it has it all I guess, and it's been a long time since a full album has done that.

Then after tramping through the forests all morning, I came to realize I had been humming/singing Bin Tere (re: last blog), which is currently the one still stuck in my head. I don't know why I had to blog about that, but the song- sorry correction The Song, that I am in love with is all I wanted to post. Okay, here's the thing. I was on the bus this morning, listening, and when it came on, it made me stop, and I felt this.. FEELING.. just come over me, like into my bones, into my bloodstream, and I felt something knocking at the locked dungeon door of my heart. Knocking to come out.

What I felt was a bit scared, and a bit like hey, I know this feeling. And then that feeling that hey, I don't want to reacquaint myself with it, it's enough to know it is there, but dont mess with that stuff beti if you know what's good for you.

Okay. I know what's good for me. But I know that what that song made me felt, also felt good. I missed that feeling. I know that I feel it everyday despite how much I deny that I don't, but it's more like a background process, that's scheduled to run each day, like my heartbeat, like each time I take a breath. But I try not to let it reach my head, because when it does, then it does crazy thngs, like this blog. So why don't I just shut up? Well, to be technically correct, I am shut, it's my fingers that are typing. But then again, it's always that way isn't it, things never really need to be actually said. Or do they?

So here it is.

Naina lageeyan baarishan
Te sukke sukke sapne vi pijj gaye
Naina lageeyan baarishan
Rove palkein de kone vich neendh meri
Naina laggeyan baarishan
Hanju digde ne chot lage dil te
Naina laggeyan baarishan
Rut birha de badlan di chaa gayi

Kaali kaali khaali raaton se
Hone lagi hai dosti
Khoya khoya inn raahon mein
Ab mera kuch bhi nahi
Har pal har lamha
Main kaise sehta hoon
Har pal har lamha
Main khud se yeh kehta rehta hoon
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya oh
Mujhe rula diya ?

Teri yaadon mein likhe jo lafz dete hai sunayi
Beetay lamhe poochte hai kyun hue aise judaa
Khuda, khuda mila jo yeh faasla hai
Khuda tera hi yeh faisla hai
Khuda hona tha woh ho gaya
Jo tune tha likha

Kaali kaali khaali raaton se
Hone lagi hai dosti
Khoya khoya inn raahon mein
Ab mera kuch bhi nahi
Har pal har lamha
Main kaise sehta hoon
Har pal har lamha
Main khudh se yeh kehta rehta hoon
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya oh
Mujhe rula diya

Naina lageeyan baarishan
Te sukke sukke sapne vi pijj gaye
Naina lageeyan baarishan
Rut birha de badlan di cha gayi

Do pal tujhse juda tha
Aise phir raasta muda tha
Tujhse mein khone laga
Juda jaise hone laga
Mujhse kuch mera

Tu hi meri liye ab kar dua
Tu hi iss dard se kar de juda
Tera hoke tera jo main na raha
Main yeh khud se kehta hoon

Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya oh
Mujhe rula diya



Thursday, September 16, 2010


So I'm a twitter user now! Thank you thank you. I can see how it grows on a person, especially if you live your life in one liners. The best part is the word limits leave me the opportunity of not betraying my inner writer, and hence here I am, the ever-loyal blogger.

Sometimes nothing needs to actually occur for something to occur. And that's just the trigger that set me off to visit this remote, lonely town of Blogs. I tip my mental cap to that faint spectre across the street, Mr. Two. By the way, my daily horoscope said my keyword of the day is 'Creativity' and that is definitely something I can take without sugar. So here's a toast to us lone travellers, may creativity never die without a fight.

So what really was the trigger? The rain, the sad sad rain. While watching the rain out the window, while my tea boiled, I thought. Rain does that to you- makes you think- doesn't it? What I thought was about the rain, and yet, that little bit more that tickles around the edge of our brains, as subconscious thoughts do. Today's rain is sad rain. It isn't the happy rain that signifies freshness and renewal, nor is it the angry rain that thunders down wrath on us all. It is that sad rain that just drops. As tears do. With nowhere else to go. With thunder whispering at the distance. Like a heavy yet sad heartbeat. With the wind listing and everything is just wet. Wet, and gray.

With a tall strong black tea with honey and lemon. Rab ne bana di jodi!

Wednesday, September 08, 2010


For some reason I love starting thoughts with the word "Sometimes". I love the word! I'm not sure why. Perhaps because it denotes a balance of some time, a possibility, and yet an improbability at the same time. Maybe that's what's gearing up most of our dynamics in this lifetime.

I read a line last night- or was it this morning?- and it stuck to me, because, you know it was one of those stickable types. I don't have it down verbatim, but paraphrased, it said how the word "maybe" became the new word for hope. Truth.

There's something catchy about the word 'maybe' about it being a lead on to hope. To something just there, beyond one's reach. You know, just over that horizon there may be something. Something that you 'maybe' know what it is, or 'maybe' don't. Maybe you look forward to what it 'may be', 'maybe' not.

Life would be boring otherwise. It occurred to me today, how people change according to these maybes. How the possibility of extending a relationship based on a few variables that may not be in the picture changes the dynamic of the relationship once they are actually present. I know noone will really understand what I mean by this, but riddles are fine for now.

What I mean to say is that yes there are those what ifs, and a bit of bitterness underneath, for whatever reasons. Bitterness isn't good. But so is too much hope. And one leads to the other. Around and around.

Hai kya yeh jo tere mere darmiyaan hai
Andekhi ansuni koi dastaan hai
Hai kya yeh jo tere mere darmiyaan hai
Andekhi ansuni koi dastaan hai
Lagne lagi, ab zindagi khaali
Hai meri
Lagne lagi har saans bhi khaali (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)

Ajnabi se huye kyun pal saare
Yeh nazar se nazar yeh milaate hi nahin
Ik gani dehaayi cha gayi hai
Manzilein raaston mein hi gum hone lagi
Ho gayi ansuni har dua ab meri
Reh gayi ankahi bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)

Raah mein roshni ni hai kyun haath choda
Iss taraf shaam ne kyun hai apna muh moda
Yun ke har subah ik bereham si baat ban gayi
Hai kya yeh jo tere mere darmiyaan hai
Andekhi ansuni koi dastaan hai
Lagne lagi, ab zindagi khaali khaali
Lagne lagi har saans bhi khaali (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere .. lost and lonely ..
lost and lonely…lost and lonely


This song on repeat.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


Somehow it doesnt matter that its been 3 years, 5 years, or 6 years ...even though the train moves so slowly, or fast, both sides of the railway go the path together.

Maybe one day they'll meet.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


It's kinda funny, cuz I thought I was in a non blogging phase. But now I'm in that sigh, and reminisce, and think about things sort of mood.

It's funny how life seems to vaporize in this heat. Funny how we all feel this emptiness and boringness.

All of a sudden, I looked out the window, thinking. Just thinking, I don't know what. How some friendships last, almost unendingly. Especially how you never have to say anything. Especially no matter how much time passes. And I hope you realize how special that friendship is to me till today.

So I looked out the window, and had this strong urge to stand outside under heavy heavy heavy rain, in the hot hot hot weather. Just feel it pounding down. Something vitalizing, full of life.

As long as I've got you there, however boring the rest seems, I'll take it for what it's worth.

Maybe I should have icecream.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010



Takdeer pe humko poora yakeen hai
Mehboob hamara, sab se haseen hai
Teri chahat hai dil ko, teri chahat hai
Teri hazrat hai dil ko, teri mohabbat mein doobe hain

Takdeer pe humko poora yakeen hai
Mehboob hamara, sab se haseen hai
Teri chahat hai dil ko, teri chahat hai
Teri hazrat hai dil ko, teri mohabbat mein doobe hain

Milenge milgene haan milenge milenge, milenge milenge
Aap se yakeenan milenge milenge
Ho sohneye mannmoneye
Milenge milgene haan milenge milenge

Aap ki kashish ka kya kehna
Jahan bhi rahe dil ne kehna
Aap ki kashish ka kya kehna, jahan bhi rahe dil ne kehna
Aap se yakeenan milenge milenge haan milenge milenge

O mere jaan-e-jigar, tumko nahin yeh khabar
Bas tujhko hi dhoonde har pal yeh meri nazar
Saamne kabhi to aaoge
Kab talak mujhe tadpaayoge
Saamne kabhi to aaoge, kab talak mujhe tadpaayoge

Aisa deewanapan hai, deewanapan hai
Saansein hai behki behki, paagal paagal har dhadkan hai

Milenge milgene haan milenge milenge
Main gumshuda ho gayi
Kya se main kya ho gayi re
Bhool ke main saari duniya ko tujh mein kho gayi
Tumse milne ko bekraar main
Aa gayi hoon rath pe saawar main
Tumse milne ko bekraar main, aa gayi hoon rath pe saawar main

Kitne hum tanha tanha, kitne hum tanha
Tujhko soche har lamha, tujhko hi maange uss rab se
Milenge milgene, milenge milenge
Aap se yakeenan milenge milenge
Ho sohneye mannmoneye
Milenge milenge


Thursday, June 24, 2010

Fina - Happy

I woke up happy.
Because I woke up.

Not just that usual 'i woke up to a new day, another day to live and be grateful for blah blah way'. Of course, that. But just that I WOKE UP.

Because, it mean I ACTUALLY SLEPT.
Holy bhatura. I slept I slept. In the two weeks of neendless nights, I SUHLEPTUH.

Oddly, or maybe not, I've been listening to Mainu Raat Neend Na Aveh, Neendaran, and Neend, for the most part.



Monday, June 21, 2010

Fina - Surreal

The most beautiful, almost surreal scenery today: sun to the back, horizon forward, amazing reflection. Water was almost magnetic, electric shimmery metallic laser blue, seeming transparent but solid, blue mercury. But the sky, faint pink purple and blue, with amazing bluer clouds, and the moon shining above it all.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Fina - Sister

"I wish we were 12 again, just eating popsicles while sitting on the swings while thandi thandi hawaa blows on our muh :shiftyy:. There's nothing :shiftyy: about what I just said but the :shiftyy: muh also applies for when hawaa is blowing in your muh so zohr se ke you can't see:-B. Hazhaz."\

For whatever reason, today I just felt like writing to you. It is of course that bit that says I miss you, that you're on my mind, but then again, when aren't you? Granted, we've grown out (grown "up" seems kinda off); grown OUT that somethingsomethings that we both know we've grown out, but I doubt we could ever outgrow each other, or even, especially our memories of the other, and yes especially the imprint of our souls upon each others'.

"It reminds me of how I told you I would see ure muh as I would shut the door of my microwave oven or on the LuckyCharms ka cereal dabba. Hehe, so many goot (yet disturbing) memories."

And that would be true for any relationship, but somehow extra especially for you, for us, for ours. Perhaps we'd rather negate the impact because it kinda says that the past that ties us together somehow matters, when we'd rather say it doesn't - but we still learn from it, and from what it let us share. And maybe that's why I am here writing to you. Though it's been awhile, there are those moments when I have this instictive urge to pick up the phone and share 'it'; something anything. Then there are those constant things that continuously remind me of you - all those inside jokes and those certain situations that only you could understand and appreciate, for what its worth appreciating.

"I not want to sound dramatic plz."

And the funny thing is, although I miss you, I..don't. And I don't have to write all thise because I know you understand it. That's just it though. Having it said makes it said. I miss our punjaban adventures, but its just that, I know they couldnt be the same, not now. I miss that family, and all that, you know. I wonder what happened to their trock. I dont' know why I have the need to write to you, but meh. I guess it was the mota toy penguin I compulsively wished to stuff in the mailbox, except that it was fatter than the mailbox. Reminds me of those penguin outfits we googled at the same time (ok I am having an akele hazhaz moment here, time to say bye.)

ps. Dont forget the Jinny Joes.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Fina - Define

Definition #124872

Fall In Love (v): To succumb, to be weakened (to and) by the force opposed; as in a battle, to be fallen, as a warrior is thrown from his horse; to be fallen, therefore vulnerable and completely at the hands of the captive.

Virgo June 17 Scope: "The last few weeks may not have been easy but adverse events have toughened you up and made you believe that you can handle anything."

cha cha cha.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Fina - Start

"At times we go to places alone
The distance between us just seems to grow
Our souls will always be together
And someday I know we will meet for sure"

Bloody well, I've so much to write about NOW and I've got a notebook filled with THEN but oh my god I have no idea what I want to say, I'm SO excited and so MEH about so many things that MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMeOW. Okay I feel better. Ok not really.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Raw - Electric

Complete opposites.

Macrocosm: the day. Two ends of the spectrum. Start horribly, end amazingly.

Microcosm: the end itself: us.

How can two opposites be so …electric?

The oddest things.

Here we are.
Electricity reinvented.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Raw - Things


I definitely, definitely learnt this today.

Things will happen, because that’s just what things do, and when happenings occur it is because of, well, things. So sure, they are bound to happen, when the time comes, when the time is right, some time, eventually, possibly, probably, finally.

Things happen.

But things can Happen when you make them happen.

Then things become Things.

And that’s when things really happen.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Raw - Shock

I can’t believe this.

I am actually listening to pehli nazar mein.


Granted, I like the song, else it wouldn’t be on my playlist. But since being put on that playlist I don’t think ive listened to it, fully, once.

Now I enjoy – actually enjoy – such songs. Damn.


Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Raw - Rain

Kuch to hua hai
My dil goes mmm
This must be love keh do zara
Aoo milo chalo
Kuch ho gaya hai
Kya se kya hone laga hai
Kya mujhe pyaar haiii
Thoda theher sun le zara
Gotta be love keh do zara
Halki halki mulaqatein thi
Sab kuch alag hai
Haan re haan hone laga re
Kaisa khumaar haiii
Door door se baatein thi
My dil goes mmmmmm
Gotta be lovee keh do zara
Dheere dheere kya ho gaya hai main kya karoon
Jaane kahan no ho pataaa
This must be love keh do zaraaa
Kuch na kahoooo
My dil goes MMMmmmmm


Ps: Baarish!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pps: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Raw - June

There’s always something refreshing about firsts. And to top it, it’s June. The month kicking off, officially, summer.

Sadly, goodbye to May. May and I have a special bond, a je ne sais quoi that is often found here and there, like in relationships.

May is the delicate femininity that is equally mother and equally new bride. It is the softest sigh of enchantment, the gentle breeze that is half yearning, half fulfillment. To ask of it to be anything else would be to removie it from everything that it is already.

Today was the other half of yesterday. To miss a person, then realize that it could possibly be communicated with that perfect understanding that is both the source and solution. Without even a word needed, all the different messages needed to be said were said, and that was the cement that sealed this friendship.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Raw - Lightning


Sitting outside on my usual spot under the trees at 10 at night, just feeling the wind blowing through my newly two-toned hair, listening to Ahun Ahun and tappnig along, when suddenly the sky flashed.

I looked around at the people standing at the bus stop, a few yards away to see if they noticed. Nah, they didn't seem to be particularly affected. So I went back to AhunAhun and went back to my windfeelingthoughtthinking, debating about which song of Love Aaj Kal was my favourite, Dooriyan or Ahun, then there was of course Main Kya Hoon, and one certainly could not write off Thoda Thoda, but then why weren’t decisions as easy as knowing Ishq Hi Hai Rab was your favourite- when suddenly up above me, a little to my left, the sky disappeared. No, of course it came back. When I say disappeared, I mean it just went completely white, blank.

I paused, and shifted my eyes left and right as to ascertain that I was not just losing it. But no, it flashed again and the sky went electric blue around the edges of the clouds.

I press pause. Listen.

The sky flashed and suddenly, all sound stopped. No zoom of traffic, no people noise, everything faded away…nothing.

And no AhunAhun. Especially no AhunAhun. All of a sudden, all Ahun business and associates became the last thing on my mind. Lightning! Wind! Silence!

The possibilities were endless.

After a long day, a long HOT day, this was…

It was that resurfacing of something. Rain, no, the potential for rain. The possibility that at any second, that silence swallowing up the world could break loose as the sky fell apart and the clouds fell down in a sudden crash. It was positively delicious. It was full of something, that waiting, that held breath, that little hope and expectation, that little more of something, that little more that was joy, and every bit as much, sorrow.

It was beautiful, and such beautiful weather deserved a beautiful song.

Like playing slots at the casino, I hit the next button on my mp4 set on random shuffle.

The choices were many, hundreds. I was playing with slim chances, but the weather was on my side, either I lost out compleely, or the song would definitely play if IT was meant to be the right song.

When the music started, I smiled. I knew it.

Four minutes, thirty nine seconds.


10:35 pm.

Still no rain.

Out again under the skies, for that Gal Sun length walk, I was thinking over the day. It was a good one. Funny how it sort of ended with missing the person you see everyday. I thought of today as we tramped through the forests, reaching the top of the hills, walking branches over the river, doing the whole outdoors thing. Friends.

And then, here comes the rain. And on a nice ending to the night:

aankhon mein anjaane rehte manzar ke
seene mein chubti hain koi bebasi nai
yaadon mein basi kuchh baaten ankahee
unn baaton mein kahin khoyi hain zindagi…


Friday, May 28, 2010

Collage-N End.

What is distance to a bird?

To be able to reach the highest height in a matter of seconds. To soar over a city in a manner of minutes, to swoop over miles in a blink of an eye, to glide to its destination in the fraction of a heartbeat.

What is distance to a bird?

A multitude of thoughts spring from one : The morning song of a bird.

Mornings are best revered as this, the quiet communion of birds to daybreak. Maybe this is why I am a morning person.

As I was walking along, soaking in the radiance, I located the call to the caller, the song to the singer: perched atop a lamppost was my darling dove.

As it let out another throaty call, it was answered; A few paces onward and there atop the neighbouring lamppost was its partner in duet.

Cute, sweet, and all that, in many aspects.

The companionship, the easy togetherness they shared without the rest of the world’s knowledge, the ‘specialness’ they shared without really saying a world, the closeness even when apart.

So what is a distance to a bird?

Is being apart just a birdsong away from being together?                    

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Collage-N Part 16

I haven’t slept. All night. Ok, so make that Thursday, May 27. 5 am.

No matter how I tried, sleep just would not come, and for no really real reason- sure it was too hot for comfort, the neighbours didn’t consider 3 am to be too late for making noise on the streets or too early for bedtime, and well, then there’s the light. Full moon night, and the ghosts have no rest. So what does that make me? Hours of sleeplessness slowly and surely persuade me that, if not me, than surely the night is haunted. And the ghosts? Ghosts are memories.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Collage-N Part 15


Physically, and emotionally.

Just a bit under a week of heat and my knees down are distinctly darker than the rest of my legs. Same goes for elbows to fingertips.

Emotionally, well that’s a bit harder to explain.

It involves the content vs. the malcontent. Nothing really new there, is there? Now. So why now?

One week (onewholeweekhasjustflownby!) since last week. I don’t know where I get it in my head that maybe, just maybe, same day of the week, same time, same place equals same situation. How about NO. BIG FAT NO.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Collage-N Part 14

27 degrees.


Cannot go wrong with another beautiful day.

I don’t know why I love traveling on public transit. Ok I know why, but it’s just one of those things that you feel at a loss of being able to really explain, just because you feel it to such an extent of sublime content.

I like it, because it’s freedom. Like a microcosm of traveling the world alone. You go place to place, someone else is doing the work, you sit and enjoy the ride. The world goes by, and you don’t need to rush or drive faster, because no matter what, you can only sit and wait for however fast or slow the ride can go. So, you enjoy.

And if one wants to get deeper: that’s life.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Collage-N Part 13

Another long day. I wake up, what, at 6, and its bright outside. Gotta love it. 8 and outide, it’s burning down on my head. Woohoo!

I just love this weather. Aaahh, not yet too hot, but comfortably no-jacket weather.

And PUHLEASE, when you tell me the weather is ‘nice’, I want you to walk 5 miles in it first before telling me it is, ‘cuz if you’re a door to car door sissy you ain’t getting any credibility from me sweethaht.

Yes, hyper.

Music is mixing on first halves of every random shuffle song that comes:

- bin tum gum sum hone lage jaane.. kis duniya khone lage
- Mohabbat se zyaada mohabbat hai tumse yeh dil ke raha hai kasam se kasam se
- kyun koi paas hai, duur hai, kyun koi jaane na koi yahan pe yeh dooriyaaaan
- kaddi te has bolllll ve, na jind saddi rol ve.. tu aaja dil janiya de kar meherbaniyan aa sanu teri lod ve na jind saddi ron ve
- teri umeeeeeed teri baaatein, woh lamha lamhaa katati tere naam se raatein
- ghadi pal yara

and finally getting off the bus, the shuffle lands on

Ek lakh nakhre re re re re re…
Lakh lakh nakhre rehne de, chale naa tere koi paintare….

Tell me I can’t get hyper. How can I not.

Anyways, the mood went as soon as I got in out of the sun, and faced the long tiring day ahead. Meh.

Getting mad (me, mad? Who says?) And finally getting told that

I have attitude.


Not hearing, raised eyebrow and asking politely (POLITELY) and excuse me?
how can anyone tell me I have attitude to my face like that.
But no, in fact I get told again that
I have too much attitude.

Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Now that clears it up.

I have attitude and raising one’s eyebrows and thanking them for the newsflash gets me a free drink and icecream. It all works out.


It was actually a nice day in terms of the friend aspect. Somehow I can always count on someone to cheer me up, or at least understand me in some part, even if on some days that has to be me. But if it aint me, then my personality twin aint so bad either. I don’t know what exactly to call him, because sure, he is a best friend. I’d say he’s one of my best friends. But he isn’t MY BEST FRIEND. I mean, he is, but he isn’t. he’s like sometimes my male other half, but not that. Whatever. Some people just make your day. Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a label, the medicine works.

How can we dream the same dream and yet go farther
How can we dream in the same direction and walk in opposite ways
How can we be so completely together and in being together move father apart.

I just don’t get it.
I don’t get what ‘it’ is
I don’t get how I can’t get it when I don’t know what it is that I don’t get.

Is it possible for a butterfly to chase a tail it does not have?

Sometimes its oddly interesting the things you can learn – when you weren’t expecting it. But then again, that’s just it- we try our best to not expect in order to survive just that little more easily. So how could we go about with saying ‘ I didn’t expect that’ when so saying you imply otherwise, that by not expecting you were expecting not to.

And so, what I’ve learnt – unexpectedly while having that best friend time- doing what we do best ie. Speculating about dream things: houses, cars.. to begin with. And me always being the way I am me, going on to the usual ‘what if’s : dream vacations spots. Point in fact that I was surprised at his choices made me realize that 1) we do in fact have differences and 2) that I wasn’t really all that surprised since I know him as well as he knows himself.

But mostly I realized that although I can be so damned complicated with all the thinkings and such that seem to pour out of every pore (ha), that my choices showed that deeply imbedded simplicity that is really me.

Whereas he likes the cities, the crowds, the rich lifestyle types, there I am wanting solitude on the white beaches, clear waters, blue skies of the Mediterranean and the forests and glades of the Alps. Granted, that by itself isn’t surprising. It’s more really with respect to the contrast. Which brings to mind Aristotle: man can only live a good life in society.

I’d already written an essay on that one line years ago and like many of my musings, has permanently imbedded itself in my mental clockwork.

For, how can we really measure ourselves in terms of how good or how bad we are by remaining in isolation. There isn’t anything nor anyone to compare with so how can one know? And all that we do know of goodness, that itself comes from the workings of society. So when so much of society continually changes its aspect, does goodness change? Do the abstract essences that guide us invisibly also change? Morality, humanity…does love change?

And when we cannot accurately, acutely, define it for what it is, but collectively acknowledge a somewhat vague existence, how can we tell?

Being so openminded and tolerant and understanding is sometimes hardwork.

I’ve got so many sides that it’s confusing trying to understand them.

And this is ME. Imagine someone else trying to.

Actually, no. It isn’t as bad as it sounds. I love being me. I love the fact that me by myself is someone I can enjoy being with for protracted amounts of time. I don’t bore myself, which is something not everyone can say.

So, whatever mysteries of myself I have yet to understand or yet to reveal, there’s always tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Collage-N Part 12

How do I become so close to someone I’ve only just met? I wonder why this often happens to me. On 5 difference circumstances in the past few weeks I’ve had the occasion of working with a different person each time and there was that automatic comfort zone with each and every one of them. Only 1 girl-woman I had to deal with for a few hours I just could not get that comfortable with. And that’s probably because she was a crackhead. (No, literally.)

Monday, May 17, 2010